Something To Be PROUD OF (Healing)
Jonathan's Gifts To The World ~ HEALING
7 Stages Of Grief ...
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, MD, in her 1969 book titled On Death and Dying. outlined The five stages of the grief cycle.
Through the Quantum Thinking & Flawless Thinking Model we have added stages 6 and 7.
Many if not, most people never fully heal from the death of a loved one. AWAKENING is the ultimate destination as we not only heal and can "move on" with our lives but we actually "embrace" the experience and become a new person ourselves and are "thankful" for what the experience has done for / to us.
Quantum Thinking
1. Shock / Denial
2. Anger / Guilt
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
6. Healing
7. AWAKENING
How do we heal properly?
7 Stages Of Grief ...
1. Shock / Denial
The stages of grief are not like a checklist but more like a cycle that we go through as our brains work through the different layers of memories ... working so hard to heal each memory we have of the one we lost.
Imagine ... being present for your son's birth and then investing 30 years into someone's life ... and then having a police officer drive up and share ... "Jonathan has died." The police do this intentionally ... kind of like ripping a band aid off quickly.
NOTE: Getting through the 7 stages is NOT a race ... but just like with a broken arm, it's probably better to heal faster rather than more slowly. We often race through a stage too quickly or get stuck in a stage.
"Dad, I'm healing but not sure if I'm healing properly?"
Ben Boersma ~ Age 21 ... Ben is one of Jonathan's younger brother. What 21 year old young man is aware that you can mentally and emotionally heal properly or improperly? A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
Flawless Thinking Simplified
In a way ... Flawless Thinking is complex ... in another way, it's not.
Let's simplify it first.
Curious + Questions
Now that wasn't hard ... was it? :-) It's like being a young child again where we become curious and look at things through a new set of eyes.
So ... "How do we learn to ask better questions?"
27 Elements
The last element "27" is ?'s, questions. Element "25" is "Curious" and when we put these together ... that's when it become magical.
"The challenge is NOT that we don't have the answers to our problems, it's that we aren't asking the best questions."
~ Rosanna Boersma ~
Mark Boersma's Story ...
DISCLAIMER ... What works for one person, is not guaranteed to work for others. Mark was willing to share his story ... well ... for a number of reasons ... his number one reason is that he hopes that his way of thinking may help his wife and six other children to heal.
Mark has been so thankful for what he knows about personalities and brain science which has helped him a great deal in "staying healed."
Life Masteries Institute (LMI) has so many amazing resources which helped Mark and he believes could help you as well.
If ... it seems ... that Mark's case study is a bit ... well ... disjointed ... the reason it seems that way, is ... well ... because it is. :-) Stick with it and while it may not make much sense as you are going through it ... in the end, we think you'll connect the dots. If for some reason, you aren't able to connect the dots there are many amazing people who work and volunteer with LMI who would be happy to help you connect the dots to bring healing through Thinking Differently.
Mark's ... well ... a bit different.
Mark thinks differently ... to put it mildly. :-)
Ken Bucci, a friend of Mark's shared shortly after Jonathan's death ...
"Mark, people shouldn't be giving you sympathy, they should be asking you how you think."
Why would someone say such a thing?
Mark thinks he blacked out as his oldest daughter was there and said "Dad, maybe they made a mistake." He doesn't remember hearing that or his sharp insensitive response ... "GingerAnne, they don't make mistakes in this area."
The police officer didn't have details but gave Mark a number of a local police officer who was at the scene to call. Mark called but it was the wrong number?
After getting the right number Mark called the police officer and said that Jonathan was dead from a gun shot and started asking Mark if Jonathan had had any issues with depression or suicide and other requests similar to that.
He said that Tim was talking with a police officer. After additional conversation ... Mark got the feeling that Tim was being questioned and asked if Tim needed a lawyer. The officer said he did not.
NOTES:
> Later Mark found that Tim was questioned for xx hours and does not remember being given his Maranda rights.
> Mark has a lot of empathy for police and actually supports police in many ways. ~ click here ~ for some great resources for police.
> Mark also wondered if his son was black would his son have been put in prison for the murder of his son? Mark also invests a lot of time / resources into the Black community ~ click here ~ and the kids at risk ~ click here ~.
The Minutes He Will Never Forget!
Mark was on the phone, working from his home office, helping LMI raise funds from a donor and Mark's eight year old grandson, Daniel come running into his office ... yell ... "Grandpa ... Grandpa, you need to come quickly ... something has happened to grandma."
There was something about his grandson's voice ... something ... that was different something that was ... impossible to put into words.
Mark ran out to the driveway to find his wife Rosanna collapsed on driveway crying ... with a police officer standing across from her ... and she looked up and said ... "Jonathan's dead!"
At that moment ... everything ... and we mean everything hit his mind like a flood and all time stood still.
Mark was so angry at Jonathan ... so angry! Yep ... all these things hit Mark's brain at one time ...
- Mark is thinking ... "Jonathan is so stupid!"
- How could Jonathan do this to Mark ... to the family?
- "I know this day would come!" ... and now it's here.
- Is Tim alright? (19 year old youngest son who was with Jonathan)
- What's happened and how did he die?
The "father / husband" kicked in and everything moved rapidly to notify the other children and figure out how to get out to Tim (19 year old who was with Jonathan) to do everything possible to not lose two sons in one day.
Over the next hour all the other six children were notified and things were put in place to fly out to get to Tim. Jonathan's wife was with her parents in Nashville and she was not aware of Jonathan's death so Mark worked on connecting to her father to be there with her.
How do we use anger and guilt for everyone's mutual benefit?
"What If's ..." and "If Only ..." can be amazing teachers for learning to live a better life.
In a weird way, those who may have mistreated Jonathan the most seem to be the most depressed.
Forgiveness and thankfulness are far more powerful medicine than anything a doctor could prescribe.
2. Anger / Guilt
There is good anger and bad anger. There is good guilt and bad guilt. Our minds are often drawn to the bad anger and/or guilt which hurts us and prevents us from healing properly as it takes valuable energy from the positive anger and guilt.
~ click here ~ for additional help on proper anger / guilt ~
"Mothers feel the pain of their own children and seem to not feel the hurt of others."
Rosanna Boersma ~ Age 55
Rosanna is Jonathan's mother. When the parents of others who had known Jonathan for less than five years attacked her and her children ... Rosanna felt compassion for those who were attacking her and her children and realized that they were in so much pain or maybe they were so self absorbed that they could not even feel any of her pain from 30 years and/or that of her children who had lived their whole lives with Jonathan. She did not lash out ... be sought to have empathy for others. When someone Jonathan grew to love in five years tried to prevent Jonathan's legacy from being shared with the world ... that was a bit harder to not be angry about that. A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
NOTE: Good anger and guilt is anger / guilt that we should have which will help us to learn the lessons we need to learn to properly heal and help to prevent the same thing, or worse from happening again to us, a loved one or even a stranger.
What's MOST interesting is that there are people who seem not to feel any guilt and/or project their own guilt in attacking others. This adds to the hurt and pain of others. People who have had a habit of doing this must of their lives ... those who tend not to take personal ownership ... will say ... "I didn't mean to hurt you." It's the strangest thing ...
"It's interesting ... to see the drama of others."
Mark Boersma ~ Age 56
Mark is Jonathan's father. He shares "It's weird where those who hurt the most and the deepest are attacked by those who ... well ... almost wanting attention ... or ... maybe they have the deepest guilt that they didn't know Jonathan, all that well and project their anger / guilt onto others in the most cruel way. It's like they need to project their guilt onto others." . A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
NOTE: If people do not take ownership of their contribution to Jonathan's death and/or their lack of engagement in his life ... or the harm they caused him and/or the lack of help / engagement while he was alive ... well ... they may never heal.
"Hurt people ... hurt people."
One of Jonathan's sisters and the pain that she felt ... was so very great. To see the anger of others directed at her in the midst of her hurt. To see her trying to heal through all her pain, her sense of loss and how she and her husband stepped up and are caring for some of the things that Jonathan loved the most ... A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
3. Bargaining ... "What If ... If Only ..."
We may feel vulnerable and helpless. In moments of intense emotions, it’s common to look for ways to regain control and/or to want to feel like you can affect the outcome of an event. In the bargaining stage of loss, we may find ourselves creating a lot of “what if's” and “if only” statements.
It can be common for religious individuals to try to make a deal or promise to God or a higher power in return for healing or relief from loss, grief and pain. Bargaining is a defense against the intense emotions the comes from great loss. It helps us postpone the sadness, confusion, or hurt.
NOTE: Postponing pain ... may be just want we need ... or it could delay the healing and/or cause us to get stuck.
"Dad, is what you are feeling now, good or bad guilt?"
One of Jonathan's brothers who was in the room. He turned when he heard the gun shot and saw the results of the riffle shot and saw his brother's body fall to the floor. What 19 year old young man is aware of good and bad anger and guilt? A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
NOTE: Good anger and guilt is anger / guilt that we should have which will help us to learn the lessons we need to learn to properly heal and help to prevent the same thing, or worse from happening again to us, a loved one or even a stranger.
4. Depression
Depression, like anxiety, guilt, anger and most things in life ... can be both good and bad. Good depression / anxiety helps us to realize that something is wrong or maybe just not aligned properly or maybe just in need of healing, in how we are thinking.
The challenges with medication, alcohol, drugs or anything that affects our brains doesn't get to the core / the root of the problem. Often people are depressed ... because they are lazy in work or in relationships. Taking medication can help us to not be depressed for a short period of time. But the truth will eventually catch up with us, that we're lazy and we will need more or higher medication to change a feeling that is there to help us to change.
"Dad, people will be mad at us as a family for healing."
Melissa Miller ~ Age 28
Melissa is Jonathan's younger sister who have a two-month-old baby girl before Jonathan died. Makaya never got to meet her uncle who would have loved and had so much fun with her. "Dad, _____________ probably hates our family because she knows we will heal and she probably never will?" A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
NOTE: It seemed that, in a weird way, those who may have mistreated Jonathan the most seem to be the most depressed. It's strange ... to those you were mean, depressed, angry, hurtful, lazy, self-centered, narcissistic and just plain mean ... now feel they have a reason to do that even more. It's easiest as a family member to be angry at these types of people ... when in fact ... it's far more healthy to hurt for these people as they will never feel the love, the joy, the energy and passion Jonathan truly had for life.
What's the solution? Take personal ownership, in our own lives for what we did or did not do and learning the deep painful lessons it won't happen again to others in our lives. You know . . . listen to Jonathan's song. A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
5. Acceptance
Acceptance is a really hard phase to understand. Is it accepting that we will never see Jonathan / loved on ago in the physical world? Is it accepting that we made poor choices which may have impacted Jonathan's decision? It is accepting that we can never undo what has been done and that the sense of loss will never full level us.
"Accepting that pain can feel so very good."
Katrina Boersma ~ Age 25
Katrina is Jonathan's younger sister. Katrina is a single mom and Jonathan loved Lily in the most amazing way. "Jonathan always called me at just the right time. He was always there for me as a sister and for my daughter. He was the most amazing brother and uncle to my daughter. Lily and I miss him so much. While Jonathan as a human being will never be here with us ... as a spiritual being he will be here forever with us. His energy, passion and love is ever present which is what hurts so much and why that hurt is a positive hurt and leads to daily healing." A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
NOTE: When we travel through the first five stages properly ... we discover something that very few people ever experience in life ... where Jonathan / anyone who passes can be more alive in our hearts, minds and lives now today, more than ever. It is our choice to make each and every day.
6. Healing
When a bone is broken ... and set properly ... then proper healing will occur and that bone will be stronger after the break than before. Mark Boersma shares how he was healed 24 hours, maybe to the minute after his amazing friend and son died a violent death. From past experiences Mark realized that healing would be needed daily for the rest of his life.
"The depth of love I have for my little brother ..."
GingerAnne Collins ~ Age 32 ...
GingerAnne is Jonathan's only older sibling. "Words are not able to be used to share how much I loved my brother. My oldest son is a lot like Jonathan, in ways I adore and in other ways which I am concerned. :-) I had the opportunity at a very young age to share the true message of healing through Jesus gift to each one of us and Jonathan made that decision to accept Christ into his life. True healing can occur in ways only God fully understands. Forgiveness and thankfulness are far more powerful medicine than anything a doctor could prescribe." A GIFT Jonathan has given us all!
7. AWAKENING
After such a great loss ... how is it possible to go back to normal again? Actually ... the more we loved Jonathan ... the more Jonathan loved us ... the more we realize that we will never go back to normal, ever again. It seems that maybe for those who have lost the most, realize that the only way to survive to heal at a heart level is to run toward the pain, the hurt, the fear and learn how to be AWAKENED in ways that we never dreamed possible.
A GIFT Jonathan has given us all ... "Something To Be Proud Of."
AWAKENING
What's the next step beyond healing? It's being AWAKENED on a daily, hourly minute by minute basis that we are created to be the most amazing human and spiritual beings and how to we live that each and every minute we are alive?
WARNING!!!
Lazy and self centered / self absorbed people will NEVER fully heal and will never become AWAKENED ... and that is a choice we all get to make each and every day. If we closest to the blast ... and we are lazy, one of the hardest things in life ... and maybe the most loving thing to do is to help the individual being lazy, self-centered and self-absorbed to realize the truth about what they are being and who they are.
NOTE: It seems ... that tender, loving, giving people ... tend to become more of that and those who are selfish, lazy, sloppy, self-centered and self-absorbed will ... well ... become even more so. We make that choice each and every day.
Dumb Things People Do
For families who have been through something as tough as this ... there are dumb things that people / family members will seem to do. A very famous person who died said ... "Father ... forgiven them, for they know not what they do."